mr. hansen omnomnom

The whole group went out to Pizza Man Pub last night in Bville. Cute little place with 30-cent wings Mon-Wed and 5/$10 Labatt Blue/Blue Lights on Wednesdays. Good deal! The bartender was really great too - personable, quick and made strong drinks, even though he was out of Seagrams 7 (so I had VO & 7s, which were mighty fine as well).

I call it "the group" and consider myself part of it because A) it's easier than saying "Joe and I and all his friends," B) everyone likes me and accepts me into the group and C) I've never been part of a big bundle of friends (except when I was in SUMB and now all the trunkies have gone their seperate ways). I really like that on any given night I could have plans with one or all of them but I don't feel obligated to hang out if I don't feel like it. I think that's the problem that I had with friendships in the past... I always felt like I had to entertain and I HATE that feeling. That's why the friendship with Sara worked out (in the loosest possible way) and my friendships with pretty much everyone else have gone awry.

Needless to say that's why most of my relationships go awry too, but that's another story for another day.

So why do people feel so obligated to spend every waking moment with their friends/boyfriend/spouse? Take, for instance, my ex-relationship with Matt. He was very much dependent on me for everything - friendships, making plans, keeping the relationship afloat. I had to spend my every waking second with him because if I said "nah, I feel like being alone tonight" (which I often did) he'd get sullen and depressed. It's like he relied on me to keep him alive... I believe that's called a parasite.

I don't know why he did this, if it was his clinical depression and social anxiety that led him to cling to me or if it was his (lack of) self-esteem/confidence that made him need someone there to "build him up." I think it's a combination of both, honestly. I was "accused" of having "no self-esteem" when we broke up (by him) and since I DO, I think he was talking about himself and/or trying to make me feel bad by accusing me of his own shortcomings.

I'm happy I'm not dependent on anyone for my own happiness and that I feel secure enough in my current relationship to say "nah, I want a solo night" and there be no hard feelings. If I ever feel like I need to hang out with someone for things to be complete in my life, please shoot me in the face.

So tonight, I'll take an alone night. I'll do some shopping, some reading, maybe watch a movie (if I feel like venturing into the annals of Hell that is Blockbuster) and maybe later on I'll see my boyfriend. In fact, I probably will. But guess what I won't be doing the entire time I'm alone? Wishing I was with someone because I'm "oh so bored and lonely." Eff that, I've got me, myself and I. And sometimes that's all I need. BOOM.