epic post is epic... or not

Ok, Don wins.

I'm putting aside the massive cleaning duties I have in preparation for the Canadianians to get here tonight (mainly because it's five boys and I don't think they care at all how messy my apartment is, but mostly because they won't be getting here 'til after midnight and I'm going to have a lot of nothing to do while waiting). I'm putting these aside because it's time.

Time for Magnum. 25 Hates for You.

(Magnum up, bitches.)

1) I severly dislike the sound of cats chasing eachother across the apartment. The poor downstairs neighbors must think we've got a zoo up here, because my roommates' cats are always stampeding at eachother. It would probably be ok if this apartment were carpeted, but we have hardwood floors. And it's fucking obnoxious. And I might throw one or both out the window.

2) I hate when other people drink my beer and they don't ask. I don't often buy beer... I'd rather have something vodka with cherry... but when I come home from a hard day of work, sometimes I just want to crack open a nice Leinie. And when there are none, I will get angry. Granted, the culprit is typically "gracious" enough to leave me a fiver, but lets do the math: Leinies cost me $8 for a six-pack. You drank five of them. Plus you inconvenience me into running up the block to get another six-pack. Pretty sure this equation doesn't work out...

3) I hate bunnies doing dig-dug at 4am.

4) I hate that people look at me like I'm nine kinds of crazy when I say I can't taste the difference between Pepsi and Coke... or Diet and Regular. THEY DON'T TASTE ANY DIFFERENT. This applies also to different fats in milk and different brands of vodka. All the same, folks, please move along and take your mutant taste buds elsewhere.

5) I don't like coughing. Coughing triggers my gag reflex and causes me to throw up.

6) I hate when people call tattoos "tats." "Tat" refers to the art of making lace. Unless someone hand-stitched lace to your forearm, you do not have a wrist tat. On the same line, I hate when people call stretching their ears "gauging." "Gauging" is the act of measuring. I'm pretty sure stretching != measuring. Yes, I'm elitist when it comes to body modification... it's totally fine and hivemind.

7) I hate when my mother sends me picture messages of cows. A) I can't see them unless I log onto a website, and B) they're cows. In retaliation, I email her pictures of dog and cat macros that she doesn't understand.

8) I have a big problem with people who interchange "there," "their," and "they're." These are not all the same word. Did you take ANY grammar lessons in elementary school, or did your parents teach you that you ain't gotta know nothin' 'bout phonics if you spend the rest of your life hunting in a shack in the middle of the Appalachian mountains?

9) I hate swimming in any unchlorinated body of water. This includes (but is not limited to) the ocean, any lakes/rivers/ponds, and dirty bathtubs.

10) I don't like when people talk at my boobs. My boobs do not have ears. Additionally, I have ears on my face... a face to which you should be addressing. Also, I know my boobs are awesome/huge/gorgeous/you want to motorboat them. Are you my boyfriend? Then no, I don't care.

11) I hate eating too many salt-and-vinager chips and my tongue gets numb.

12) I hate Syracuse University. I know I've ranted about the college one-too-many times and I might be contacted sometime in the near future in a cease-and-desist order, but seriously. It saddens me that most people that attend that school are the face of my future. I'm sorry, if you think North Face-spandex-Ugg boots-Aviators is a legit outfit to be wearing in public, I probably will never want you to be my lawyer/doctor/psychologist.

13) I don't like Twitter. Nobody has enough actual friends to warrant updating the world about their life every 60 seconds. And you know how you friended Ashton Kutcher and Britney Spears? Sorry, they're not really your friends. They don't care that you're hungover or have a doctor's appointment that you're late for.

14) I hate that there are people who believe that they THEMSELVES are not in charge of their own destiny. What's the point of living if some higher being is just deciding what you're going to do anyway? (This message is brought to you by Ash Wednesday.)

15) I really dislike when people call themselves "foodies." You sound like an idiot. Guess what? I love food too. Pretty sure most people do.

16) I hate homophobia.

17) I hate pencils that you have to sharpen. Why would you use those when you could use the ones that just click or spin up to give you more lead?

18) I hate that people think politics is a black and white issue. Not in the race sense, but in a right and wrong sense. I also hate that this yields politics to be bipartisan. Our country will never get anything accomplished until we stop thinking in blue and red... how about PURPLE?

19) I hate that it's really hard for such a cynic like me to come up with 25 things that I absolutely loathe.

20) I really dislike the NFL... sorry Don. Oh my god, look at me, I'm a huge man that can run and knock people down and do silly dances when I bring balls into the end zone. (Oh my god, look at me, I'm a girl who can run and knock people down and do silly dances when I bring balls into MY end zone...)

21) I hate that more people are fans of area college sports over our city's sports. How come 40K people show up to SU basketball games but only 1,000 show up for Chiefs games?

22) I hate that I can go into Target and buy $50 worth of crap that I'll never need or wear. Target = cocaine, apparently.

23) I really dislike people who spend $500 on stupid brand-name pets. Your labradoodle? Is a mutt. I can get a mutt for $50 at the animal shelter and that dog will be more grateful for life than yours is.

24) I hate wearing anything but thongs. Perhaps it's because I have no ass, but if I wear a full-bottomed bloomer, my jeans will just slide right off my butt. When my buttcheeks are free to breathe, my pants stay up. Also, if I can see your panties through your skin-tight jeans, it's cause for concern.

25) I hate that I have mini-panic attacks all day long, every day. I worry about locking my keys in my car, that my car will be stolen, that my earrings won't match my shirt, that my hair isn't brushed correctly, that my pants are drooping funny, that I'm wearing not enough or too much makeup, that my room is messy, that I forgot to wash my dish and their will be a note from my passive-aggressive roommate on the stove, that my bunny will escape, that I'll crash into a car... and that was all in the last two hours.

AND A BONUS!

26) I hate that my hands and wrists really hurt after writing this... I fear that I have carpal tunnel =/