This weekend I remembered why I love my parents so much. And hate pretty much everyone else.
I went home Saturday to celebrate my birthday - of course I showed up much too early while my family was still cleaning and got stuck on Turd Trolley. (Um, note to self? Find a dog that doesn't poop so much.) We went grocery shopping and saw some RULLY PURDY MOUTHS at P&C then went to Rodizio at the Turning Stone.
I have never eaten so much meat in my life.
Also, if someone offers you "meat stuffed with more meat," don't accept it. It's really nasty.
Also also, pray that they either don't serve sausage and croquettes OR that your father isn't an immature five-year old that shouts "I WANT MORE WEINERS AND BALLS" at the dinner table.
On our way out, I witnessed no fewer than 10 people sitting at the bar in Rodizio (I assume they were waiting to be seated). Oh yeah, funny story - the casino doesn't sell alcoholic beverages. They were sitting at a bar DRINKING ALCOHOL THAT THEY BROUGHT WITH THEM... TO THE BAR. I'm sorry, but if I'm going to plop my ass down on a barstool they better make me "SOMETHING CHERRY AND STRONG" because I sure as hell do NOT want to do it myself - that's what I pay people for.
(I know Joe is sitting there going "She doesn't pay me to make her drinks though"... he has to do that. It was part of our dating stipulations. I spent 7 months with a straight-edge guy who balked every time I even mentioned liquor... I'm still a little gunshy.)
Sunday we had a cookout. Ok, awesome. It was my sister's birthday too. I asked my mother to invite uncle John and John Raymond - I'm sorry, but if I'm going to spend an entire day with relatives at least give me some good ones that drink and say crude things. Unfortunately, they were busy... which left me against the conservatives.
Who think my piercings are ugly.
And think if they had a daughter with that "nonsense" in her nose they'd rip it out.
And think I'll never get a job because of my tattoo.
And think I should have already graduated college.
And think I'm stupid for voting for Nader.
And get mad when I say National League baseball is more fun than American League.
And think it's funny that their little punty dogs hump my leg.
And think Nascar is a sport.
I REPEAT: THEY THINK NASCAR IS A SPORT.
Guess what, fuckos? The ability to turn your car counter-clockwise OVER and OVER and OVER and OVER again IS NOT A SPORT.
Whatever though. I went about my merry little way, getting the short end of the stick because my sister had friends over and was completely ignoring the family. We ate grilled food, we had ice cream cake, and then we opened presents. I wasn't expecting much from my parents - they helped me pay for my Macbook - but I got quite a stack of summer clothes. Money from most of the relatives (save my aunt KK, who bought Dunkin Donuts gift cards WOOOOO) then I open the last card...
And there is a $5 scratch-off ticket in the card.
My sister is sitting across from me, giving me the "ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS" eyeballs that we always do (usually in regards to my mom's crazy statements). She opens hers - and it's $45 worth of $5 bills.
(Did my aunt forget about my birthday? Did she have to stop at a gas station on her way over, break my sister's $50 bill and buy me a lottery ticket?)
My mom started laughing and shouted "OH MANNY MAYBE YOU'LL WIN THE LOTTERY!" (I love my drunk mother) and I walk inside to show my father. Who starts going batshit crazy and complains about government workers and how they don't care about anyone but themselves and he knew this would happen. I've told my parents time and time again that my aunt does NOT like me... finally they agree and understand.
Oh yeah... and I didn't even win $1.
So Dear Auntie, next time, just save the trouble. Remember this adage: No gift is better than a gift that shouts "I'M A CHEAP ASSHOLE (THAT DRIVES A BEEMER.)"
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3 comments:
hah you too have laughed at the drinkers in the rodizio!
And yes, there is so much meat there its strange.
I heard you love nascar, especially the guy with the rainbow car.
Well I AM from Westmoreland... I either have to love Nascar or Fox Racing. The across-the-street neighbors even have a dirtbike track - it's so obnoxious to be woken up at 6am hearing BRUM BRUMMMM BRUMMMMM.
At least one time I saw one fall off the bike... that made it worth it.
hey the only thai place I know of in utica is on genessee street, its tough to find, its kinda near oneida square. I havent been there in a long time, but I remember it being really good. I think its called thai continental and it was pretty authentic. Try the phoenician for the best lebanese food ever(if you like that).
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