My feelings... let me show you them.

(Disclaimer: it's very, very rare that you'll see emotion from me on the blog, unless puppies are dying or I miss Art Alexakis being in town by one freaking day... and it's because I'm generally unscathed by everyday life (erm, I'm an asshole mostly). But I can't take the following lightly and you, loyal followers of the most pointless blog ever, now get to see me in a pretty shaken state.)

I had a very dear friend in high school. We helped each other through a rough time socially, bonded over drama, and became very close - like "if I'm not home, I'm at her house" close. We went to neighboring colleges and joined the marching band together and everything was fine. And then I made some inexplicably retarded choices (choices that inevitably came to define my years at SU) that were less-than-awesome. She probably couldn't understand how or why I'd throw so many things straight out the window and change in such asinine ways (and not for the better, might I add) and she probably even said these things to me... but all I could hear was "blah blah blah I'm jealous that you have new friends and a new life."

I realize today that she was simply worried about me - like any good friend would be. But I ignored all of her advice, did my thing, and lost touch with her for five years.

Then her (now ex-) boyfriend did some Pretty Horrible Things. I read about it in the news and it made my skin crawl, and I'd rather not rehash things here. On a complete whim, I sent her a message - just a quick note, saying I know it's been so long but I'm thinking about you and stay strong.

I hope the message brought just a little solace to her life - because my heart is literally breaking for this girl. Though I realize words will do little at a time like this (especially words from someone who fell out of your life), I hope she knows my true intentions in sending the message weren't to be an asshole, or to dredge up monstrous feelings about our former friendship when she needs her efforts focused elsewhere, but instead as a sincere outreach and an ode to the years we spent as best friends.

I think it did make a little bit of a difference, I think she understood what I was doing... because I heard back from her, quite unexpectedly. We spent the morning chatting back and forth and have exchanged phone numbers. I know things can't go back to the way they were - between us, and between her and him - but maybe we can salvage a little something; maybe I can let her lean on me this time, instead of weighing her down with all of my problems like before.