Feed my narcissism please.

I think I've been spoiled by one of my "friends."

I don't use the quotes facetiously; I use them because, while we are friends, we also sleep together, which I guess makes us some sort of quasi-friends-with-benefits mutually beneficial unwritten agreement that continues to go label-less (much to my relief). It's a situation that can't really be summarized in quite so few words, so we don't try to summarize it and instead, take it at face value: we're friends that fuck.

And I love it.

The situation affords me a freedom I couldn't get in a relationship. I'm obviously attracted to said friend on some internal level - definitely physically, but more so intellectually - but we met under casual pretenses and things have stayed as such. There were no butterflies, no awkward conversation points, and I've never felt less than 100% comfortable when I'm with him. There isn't the constant feeling of ineptitude, no niggling worries of "does he like me or doesn't he?," and my heart isn't shouting "ASK ME OUT WHY WON'T YOU ASK ME OUT WTF ARE YOU WAITING FOR?!" I truly enjoy his company, there is an emotional connection that hasn't been taken out of the friends context, and there's great sex.

I think the main reason I like it is because I'm selfish. I am - I always have been. I like to think the world revolves around me, mostly because it does. I had a conversation with a friend recently who mentioned that complex (not mine, but his own) in a similar context - he's not seeking a relationship because he's too selfish. A bad trait to have if you're looking for love... but I say more power to us for recognizing the trait and not sucking anyone else up into our narcissism.

So it's perfect - "Friend" and I get to go out and do coupley things and not hold hands through it. He buys me dinner and I don't feel indebted to him. I don't have to watch sports I don't understand with him, and he doesn't need to sit through Grey's Anatomy with me. We can have sex and not have to say "I love you" afterward, and I can get in my car in the morning and not cry the whole way home. We can even date other people.

So I tried.

It didn't work.

I've gone on a bunch dates with other guys - thanks to the dating website - since the birth of the situation and they've been okay for the most part. But conversation on the most recent date with one of the guys from Plenty of Fish (our second time meeting) eventually turned to "When's the last time you had sex?" and he was honest in saying it'd been a long time for him (years) and I was honest in replying with that it had only been a couple weeks for me, which elicited a pause and a slightly awkward "oh," which in turn made me feel like I had to explain myself... and I ended up muttering a vague and kind of clinical "I have an agreement with someone."

Things still progressed on the date and I was enjoying his company until he muttered four words that can make me balk even worse than last-season Mike Pelfrey with bases loaded: "So, what is this?"

Then I shut down. He wanted a relationship to come of this, and I... I'm too caught up and happy with being single to even entertain the notion of starting a relationship. And I've been spoiled by such a great friends-with-benefits situation that a relationship isn't worth it. I don't want to look for Mr. Right - and I don't need a Mr. Right Now, because I have super friends and a great whatever-the-fuck situation aforementioned friend and I are in.

So I deleted my POF account.

And now I'm going to focus on having my cake and eating it too, because that's what selfish, spoiled people do.