GET OUT OF MY WAY.

Here's something that my best friend taught me: I am a settler.

That one took some thinking. For me, that is. He's a smart dude and knows me better than I know myself, so I'm sure he's realized this for a lot longer than I have. We talked about my "fuck reaching for the stars, I'm reaching for whatever's accessible" attitude in depth at a bar last fall. At the time I was testing my friends' opinions of getting back together with Joe - which ended up happening, even though he and others were dead-set against it (at least nobody can say I listen to authority!). He thought I was getting back together with Joe because I was striking out with other guys. And I guess that was part of it... I had a good run last spring and early summer, what with the comedian and all, but after the boys of summer had gone, I was feeling a little blue. I WANT to say I got back together with Joe because we were never really "over" (because at that time, we weren't) - but I think I pushed for it because a) I was lonely and b) I knew he'd be there.

I settled, in retrospect. Fell back into something comfortable for the sake of being comfortable. I didn't see it that way at the time, but now I realize that the shit that bothered me at the last break up would continue bothering me because it wasn't FIXABLE shit - it was trivial shit that I can't really chalk up to anything but me having weird standards. And me not minding being a settler.

But BFF and I revisited the settling topic this weekend over some beers, and I have to say, he's so right. I like to put all my eggs in one basket and when that basket is overflowing and ready to topple and NOTHING HAPPENS (because let's face it, nothing ever happens), I get a little down in the dumps and seek solace of something comfortable.

I did this a few weeks ago.

(Not with Joe, though. Him and I are 199% over... like, Maury show over.)

I was on the precipice of something amazing with someone that I, admittedly, took a lot of risks for. I put all of my eggs in the basket and honestly? I thought my plan was super failproof. How couldn't it be? I'm awesome, he's awesome, we would make beautiful babies (you know, if I ever decide I need babies... which I sure as shit don't right now)... everything was there. And then he fell off the face of the earth, as he is wont to do. Seriously, dude needs a lesson in Communication 101. It was disheartening and I was pretty bummed.

So instead of taking it like a woman (read: eating a lot of ice cream and watching chick flicks and getting the fuck over it), I started talking to another dude. Cute, no doubt about it - I even texted Mike when I met the guy saying "this dude across from me looks like Tim (from GP) with less cokey eyes." (Shut up, that is a compliment in my world.) Met the guy, found him easy to talk to and down to earth and WHAT DO YOU KNOW, he actually knew how to return texts and would call when he said he would. Novel concept.

Then I slept with him.

I saw BFF the next day, and gave him the lowdown. He laughed in my face over the hilarity of the situation - and told me not to bother seeing cokeless Tim the next night, based on aforementioned hilarity. But I went anyway. And then saw him a few more times after that. Every time I came home, I talked to Mike and he would implore me to describe exactly why I kept going out with this dude.

My answer? Blank stares.

Really, I still don't know, other than he was cute and available and seemed to be decently interested in me. All signs pointed me to "STAY THE FUCK AWAY" but instead I just kept wanting to hang out with him because he was... well, he was THERE.

And that's kinda the definition of settling.

So I'm kinda trying this new thing. It's called "doing what I REALLY want" and "not getting attached to men that are all sorts of wrong for me." It's a little difficult, since I'm so used to trying a little too hard. And it's tough right now, since I'm a little lonely. But I'm realizing that when I get lonely, I should just probably call one of my friends - you know, since I actually have some of those now that I'm not all wrapped up in trying to hang out with guys that I don't like deep down.

And with this new thing I'm trying, I'm realizing I'm actually pretty picky about guys. Ok, I know it doesn't seem like it - I think about some (most) of the people I've dated and slept with and wince in embarrassment. I dealt with it at the time because a) I didn't realize I was settling and b) am able to put up with a lot of shit from people I "like." And by a lot, I mean a metric shit ton. Let's take a look at some of the bullshit I put up with over the years...

• Dated a straight-edge guy for SEVEN MONTHS (before dumping him for his friend). He had a list of ailments a mile long and he called me "honey" and had the creepiest goatee ever.

• Slept with my best friend's cousin, who has a lazy eye.

• Passed up going to prom with the hottest, buffest dude to go with a guy three years younger than me (he was a freshman, I was a senior - IN HIGH SCHOOL).

• Slept with a guy who then told me he was gay... and then I slept with him two more times.

• Went on a few dates with a guy who refused to try any ethnic cuisine and lived with his parents and whined about how old he felt.

• Dated a guy who told me he went to prison for six months when instead he was out of state fucking an underage girl.

• Dated a guy (FOR TWO WEEKS) who showed up unannounced at my house on my birthday to spend the weekend - and I didn't tell him where I lived.

How many more stories do I need to tell to make my point? In all of those situations (save the last one - that dude was just a creep) I settled for dudes that were all sorts of wrong for me because I was bored, horny, or lonely. And to tell you the truth, after thinking about all of those things, I'm pretty fucking ready to be done with it... as well as a little appalled that I would even DO some of those things.

So starting now, I'm done with that. I'm done dating guys because I *can*. I'm done settling for creeps and losers and assholes because I'm lonely and need attention. In fact, starting now...

• I will not date a man who doesn't have proper dental hygiene.
• I will not date a man who calls me "honey."
• I will not date a man who calls me any sort of term of endearment on the first date.
• I will not date a man who can't fuck well. PERIOD.
• I will not go on a date or hang out with a guy who texts me ten times in a row because that shit's annoying.
• I will not go on a date with someone who will not eat Asian food.
• I will not date a man who does not appreciate Staples or Target.
• I will not wear sexy underwear for men. LACE PANTIES ARE UNCOMFORTABLE.
• I will not use a dating website, so help me god.
• I will not agree to go on a date with anyone more than 20 years older than me - see what I did there?
• I will not drive to go on date with someone who will not drive to see me.
• I will not date someone who doesn't drink, unless they don't have a problem with my drinking.
• I will not sleep with men with curly chest hair.
• I will not sleep with men with lazy eyes.
• I will not sleep with hobbits.
• I will not take any more virginities.
• I will not date a man who whines about how tired they are all the time.
• I will not date a man who isn't comfortable with my weight.
• I will not date a man who fetishizes my weight.
• I will not date a man who fetishizes my boobs or my feet.
• I will not date a man who wears Ed Hardy.
• I will not date a man who fist pumps seriously.
  
• I won't apologize for not wanting to date a guy.
• I won't make excuses for not wanting to hang out with a guy.
• I will never date a man who doesn't play an instrument - or doesn't appreciate good music.
• I will never sleep with a man only because he plays an instrument - unless he's famous.
• I will stop talking about my sexual encounters with females on the first date.
• I will stop interrupting men when they try to speak.
• I will not apologize for liking or not liking something.
• I will not apologize for living with my parents.
• I will not apologize for not calling or texting someone back.
  
• I will not feign interest at being outside BECAUSE I HATE BEING OUTSIDE.
  
• I will not date anyone who doesn't like Gridley Paige.
• I will not date anyone who doesn't like my best friend.
• I will not date anyone who drinks Bud Light Lime.
• I will not date anyone who is inherently negative.
• I won't apologize for snoring when my nose is stuffy.
• I won't pretend a pillow fight is just a pillow fight.
• I won't get overwhelmed by men in authority positions.
• I won't apologize for who I am.

So to all of you reading this, please feel free to call shenanigans if you ever see me breaking any of my rules. This is to say that if I'm talking to old lumberjacks at bars, please tell me to BACK THE FUCK OFF because I'm tired of being such a boring little settler. I need to do me for awhile...

Ok, I need to do me forever.