i chose to feel it and you couldn't choose

It has come (very quickly) to my attention that I have no idea how to be single.

I know I'll be fine, but it's the principle that counts - I haven't been single in 15 months and I fear I've lost my game. I got comfortable in relationships, which was a brand-new thing for previously unclingy and non-committal Amanda and I'm now paying dearly for throwing things away that I shouldn't have... such as my independence. Both my mom and my boss said "You're strong, you'll get through it" (very comforting, btw) and in my head I'm going "NO I'M NOT. Sure, I'll get through this... but I have no strength left." Because I don't. It takes an exhorbitant amount of energy to put on a happy face and play the part of the strong girl when all you want to do is sit on your ass watching 7th Heaven and drinking vodka (oh the guilty pleasures that become painfully obvious when you're alone!).

I won't say I don't know where things went wrong. It's pretty obvious I made a plethora of mistakes - things I could have avoided. But the reasons for dumpage felt like excuses... cop-outs. I may be new to the getting dumped game, but I'm not new to dumping someone. I've used the same lines before and for me, they're basically a convuluted way of saying "You've Lost That Lovin' Feelin.'" And it's fine, it happens. But say what you mean, mean what you say... Initially, it's much harder to hear "I just don't like you anymore," but such a statement says "Do not hold on to any thread of hope, do not pass Go, do not collect $200" and it's much easier to move up and on...

Easier said than done, of course. At least I'm trying. I'm glad the next few weeks are planning to be busy ones - or, at least, I'm making myself busy. I'm staying extra hours at work, am going home this weekend to housesit and get drunk with my cousin, and am having a girl's night with Sarah and her friends the weekend after this. I have included plans during my weeknights - making a new plug box, cleaning out my shithole of a room and car, getting a haircut, getting a massage, visiting Luke at the Hoynes, and hopefully some quality Jamie 'n' me time (that may or may not involve self-medication). I have Sarah for girly talk/lusting over beards and Michael to rub things in my face (I mostly told him so, but he told me so too) and Don for the bitter, sarcastic text messages and blog posts. But what do you do when you want to talk to your best friend about things... and your best friend is the one that dumped you?

We'll see what happens from here.


In other news, Don is forcing me (read: I'm copying Don) to start mobile updates. I'll work on this momentarily...