sure you don't want any condoms with that?

My computer screen is shaking. Violently. It's like a seizure. And it's making me nauseous. I told the administrative secretary (as she's the one that has contact with the computer guy) and she asked me if I tried turning it on and off.

DON'T YOU THINK THIS IS THE FIRST THING I'D DO?

I'm not really as dumbtarded as I make myself out to be :/

This brings me to: TOP 5 THINGS THAT MY COWORKERS ASK ME THAT PISS ME THE HELL OFF.

#5: DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?
No. I don't think so, anyway. And if I have, I haven't noticed. My pants feel just as tight as yesterday (the last time you asked). And why the hell does my weight concern you? There are people in this building that are two times the size of me that you should probably ask this to because it's more concerning to them than me.

#4: DID YOU SEND OUT _____'S CHECK YET?
You asked me to send it five minutes ago. Oh wait, let me close my door to all the residents who need money/want to tell a story, let me stop paying the 200-person cable bill and I'll stop answering the phone while I'm at it too. If you're so concerned, tell me in advance and maybe I'll get it done.

#3: CAN YOU WEAR A HIGHER CUT TOP?
No.

#2: ARE YOU GOING TO THE BANK TODAY?
Why yes, yes I am. I go to the bank everyday because nobody else will get off their fat ass and walk two blocks to the bank. I know it's really difficult to move your legs in a LEFT RIGHT LEFT RIGHT manner, but I'm sure if necessary you could even DRIVE the two blocks to the bank. But you know what? I'll go to the bank for you because it means ten less minutes of me sitting in my office staring at my shaky computer.

#1: WILL YOU GO TO THE STORE AND GET ME TAMPONS?
Why of course, BOSS. While I'm at it, let me call that guy you're supposed to have lunch with and reschedule it and let me email the parking garage for more cards (oh and I'll pick those up too). I'll be sure to stop and get you a coffee while I'm out buying your vagina plugs (super-plus only) and let the guy at CVS know to double-bag them because menstruation is a scary thing.

I really need to get the hell out of here.

(I had a real entry written up about How I Met Your Mother, regarding last night's epic episode, but Don hasn't watched it yet and I don't want to spoil the [horrible] surprise.)