i penguin-suited up.

Life Snark (or Why None of my Pants Fit Anymore)

1) A Shot to the Head Just so You Can be Fed?
So I may or may not have written how I'm not eating meat in the new year. All's well and fine with that, except that meat is the only thing I crave. Like, ever. If I go back for seconds (and thirds and fourths) at dinner, it's for meat (and not man meat... heyo). All I want to eat right now is a roast beef sandwich from Clarks... and I don't even like roast beef, but they have delicious cheddar and onions and I had one last week while hammered and it was the most scrumptious thing I've tasted in.... 23 days. Having a vegetarian roommate has its advantages too, because I'm too lazy to go out and buy meat and she doesn't have any on-hand. So basically, I haven't been eating much besides Easy Mac cups and coffee. As a result, my pants won't stay up.

2) The Hardest Part of Breaking Up:
I have lots of money. This shouldn't be a bad thing, but it is, because I am the world's worst money saver and it burns holes in my pockets. When I was dating Joe, I didn't have tons of money - I had enough to do with what I pleased, but not so much that I'm throwing it on the floor and rolling around in it. Now I have that much. And since I don't really eat, I can't spend it on that. I don't really like any clothes that are out in stores right now (except Target, and I'm relatively sure I own at least half of the spring Mossimo line already). I bought two pairs of jeans, but they're still too big on my butt - because I don't have one. Kinda like concave chest boy has no chest... or anti-chest... wait, what?

3) Being Thrown Under a Bus... Repeatedly. Not Fun, Actually Stressful.
I think this one might speak for itself. I'm tired of it. Like, completely fed up, need to do something about it tired. And it's seemingly by everyone. And it would be fine retribution if I actually DID the things I'm being accused of, but I DIDN'T - and I don't throw people under busses myself, so there is literally no reason other than I'm Amanda and I'm a great scapegoat. To reiterate: I do not go out and drink 24/7. I do not sit in my room and drink by myself because I have a terrible life and feel guilty about spending time on my own. I don't get so wasted that I don't remember my name (most of the time); I don't spend my entire paycheck at the bar (I get free drinks because I have awesome boobs). I don't have sex with everyone with a dick. I don't conveniently forget to do things at work - I don't do them because I don't KNOW to do them and no-one has told me to do them. I DON'T APPRECIATE PASSIVE-AGRESSION. If I do something wrong, say it to my face. I have enough decency to do it for you; please give me the same respect back, please and thanks.


And there you have it. These three things compounded - along with others that I don't feel like going into and really don't matter - have caused me to not fit into any of my clothes.

(I should actually be happy about this, yes?)