tales of a "relationship" drawn out over two and a half years... oh fuck me.

Back in the middle of May of 2006, I met this guy at a frat party (SU's loser frat). We decided to "date but not really" because we were both leaving Syracuse for the summer. He visited me in Westmo for my birthday and I realized that the "relationship" was all sorts of wrong. I dumped him at the end of May (both because I didn't like him and I was mackin' on another so much better guy) over the phone with my best friend sitting next to me because as much as I didn't like him, I don't like breaking up with people much more. The phone call went something like what follows:

Me: This isn't going to work. *giggles with Sara*
Him: NOOOO I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU I DON'T UNDERSTAND BIG SADFACE TIME D=
Me: You don't love me; you just love my doggie style.
Sara: YEAH DOGGIE STYLE
Him: NO I WILL BURN AND PINE FOR YOU FOREVERRR
Sara: Oh he is taking this well.
Me: Good luck with allllll that PEACE OUT.

He sent me various text messages and voicemails for a few days after the "breakup" but I didn't respond because I was busy with the other guy (who ended up dumping me for some other scene girl... OHH BOOO-UURNNNN). Late in August, I went back to SU. One night I found a bag of Reeces peanut butter cups and a can of chicken noodle soup hanging from my door... I get all excited, thinking that my roommate was back and enticing me so I walk in the dorm and nobody's there. Whatever, I'll eat the candy anyway. Then I get a text message from a number I don't recognize...

Random number: Oh hey did you get my package?
Me: I LOVE REECES OMNOMNOM WHO THE HELL ARE YOU
Random number: ITS ME YOUR LONG LOST LOVER
Me: Oh hell no.
Him: Let's go get ice cream.
Me: Let's not. Let's never.
Him: I BURN I PINE I PERISH D=
Me: Tough shit.

This goes on every couple months until I see him at another frat party (and I'm extremely inebriated and not from alcohol) and tell him, point blank, that I will never like him and to get over it because you're freaking me out. I thought he got the point... OH NO HE DOES NOT GET IT. Towards the end of November 2008 I was on instant messenger (which I NEVER go on because my computer is the suck) and the second I sign on, I get a message. FROM HIM. Um hi, have my name on alert much?

Him: Oh hey sup. *sends creepy vibes*
Me: jfc are you serious.
Him: I have a radio show. It's so cool, I'm so cool, I'm on the radio. RADIO RADIO RADIO.
Me: That's because you'd scare people if you were on TV.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Sleeping/shopping/pulling my nails out at the cuticle/not hanging out with you.
Him: You should come to the radio station. I'm on the radio now.
Me: FUCKING GREAT.
Him: So?
Me: No thanks, too busy causing bodily harm because that's more comfortable than seeing you.
Him: I can put your band on the radio because I have a radio show.
Me: I'm not in a band anymore.
Him: Why?
Me: Because I'm a skank and broke up with the drummer to fuck the singer.
Him: Well then you can come down to the radio and hang out with me while I talk on the radio.
Me: SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT THE RADIO.

(Then my computer mysteriously shut off... oh, oops.)

I keep getting texts once in awhile from him saying "Sup"... I know he just wants me to come down to the RADIO and hear his bad-ass RADIO show because he's an awesome RADIO DJ (read: come down there and fall in love with him) but I don't reply. But last night I was feeling pretty over this obnoxiousness and when I got the following text message, I had had enough. It was time. BIG TIME TIME. AND PLEASE NOTE: THE FOLLOWING EXCHANGE IS FOR REAL! I didn't paraphrase/overexaggerate or anything... this shit's for real.

Him: Sup?
Me: Um nothing what's up with u?
Him: Chilling you in cuse?
Me: Yes I live here
Him: Cool we should chil (sic)
Me: Yeah... no.
Him: wtf?
Me: We're not going to hang out.

...I think he's finally getting the picture.