quickie bj

I'm completely bushwhacked.

I started school again this past week and just in five days it feels like my world has been turned upside-down... I can't sleep, I can't eat, my period started a week early (yeah, while on HBC - this is probably Not Good), I'm always freaking thirsty and I have migraines again. It's completely ridiculous. I remember being this way my sophomore year at Syracuse and I figured it was because I didn't like the situation I was in, but apparently this is just what extreme stress does to my body.

For the most part my classes are interesting. I'm taking health care and the law (sweet), health care delivery in the US (AKA talk a whole bunch about Obama's health care plan... wonderful), technical writing (where the prof is a super hippie who gives us SMOKE BREAKS and talks about Zig Zags), calculus (barf) and accounting (which didn't actually start this week). The two health courses are online, accounting is once a week at night while writing is twice at night and calculus is MWF at 9am (super barf).

And just FYI, world? When you introduce letters into math, IT BECOMES ENGLISH.

(As you can see, I'm super perturbed about calculus. The professor is a hardcore Russian lady who enjoys picking people out to do "math" on the board... And I had to ask my sister how to MULTIPLY FRACTIONS the other day. This will be... interesting.)

the party seeks power entirely for its own sake

I don't mind that I'm working on a weekend. It's nice and quiet and I can listen to Ben Folds Five and not have everyone in the office going "WTF."

What I do mind about working (well, on any given day, not necessarily weekends) are the tasks that I'm supposed to accomplish.

Especially this one.

Apparently our facility was "randomly selected" for a study on "whether, and to what extent, nursing facilities employ individuals with criminal convictions" (and I'm a bit perturbed that I had to clean up the DEPARTMENT OF HEALTH & HUMAN SERVICES' grammar, but that's neither here nor there). Our participation in this study is MANDATORY, says the bolded text. So I get to go through our payroll system and sort through terminated and active employees and create a spreadsheet with the following information...

- Full Name
- Date of Birth
- SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER
- Sex
- RACE
- Employee classification
- Beginning date of employment
- Direct care employee?

What do I get from this? The government is racial profiling nursing homes and Big Brother is following our every step... and I honestly feel a little queasy about doing this project. I ran through ten names before I had to step back and take a look at my own morals and realize that this is something I'm just too uncomfortable with doing...

...I'll just go pass out the mail and newspapers and get the hell out of here instead.

FML

I was driving to Dunkin Donuts this morning (seriously... I can not go one day without an iced caramel latte AND WHY DO THEY ALWAYS ASK ME IF I WANT WHIPPED CREAM? WHO DOES THAT?) and I rounded the bend by Nottingham School when I saw an animal fly across the road. I just stopped and parked for a minute (there is no one on the road on Saturdays at 9am) and I got really excited because it was HOPPING and I thought it was the missing kangaroo!

So I started clapping my hands and squealing - WHO WOULDN'T DO THAT IF THEY SAW A KANGAROO, amirite?

And then a man in a minivan slowly passed me, laughing hysterically and pointing at me like I was some retard who just tripped over my backwards kneecaps.

I hate myself right now.

(And the kangaroo? Was apparently just a lost deer who wanted to relive its high school years. I really just want to find the kangaroo...)

"thanks for not running with them"... oh god luke, you're SO witty.

So Don says my post yesterday was a big fail. What in the world can I do to appease him (aside from putting pictures of my boobs on the interwebz)? Comments are criticisms are welcomed.

I'm "working" today. I use working as a really loose term because clearly I'm actually sitting here typing a blog post and listening to Matchbook Romance and perusing the personal ads on Craigslist... which make me laugh hysterically. I really only look at the ones with pictures because, c'mon, who doesn't want to know what they're getting themselves into! And I feel bad for about 99% of the posters on there because you KNOW they only put their best photos on there... and they're STILL hilariously bad.

Yes I am making fun of other people's misfortunes... I'm not nice! WE KNOW THIS.

(PS: I spelled "misfortunes" as "misfortions" and had to consult dictionary.com to figure out how the hell to actually spell it... I really have no brain cells left. More on this momentarily.)

I took great pride of surreptitiously making fun of people at the bar last night too (big surprise - I can spell surreptitious just fine... WTF). I somehow managed to make last call for the first time ever, unless you're counting college parties (in which case I've made it to 5am or later - even winning a party at 8am once with the boys in Deterrence). Because I'm pretty over typing already, you get recap in list form:

- Dropped Sarah off at Pastabilities.
- Visited Nate at MPC. Bought the wine shirt. Got made fun of for being a slut and not being slutty at the same time. Ogled John Joyce and bonded.
- Gulped a drink at KH. Got made fun of by the bouncer for drinking alone.
- Went to Sound Garden. Bought the second season of "How I Met Your Mother." Bonded with pretty-haired cashier over NPH... suit up! Talked about Jason Segel's penis.
- Had a chai at Starbucks.
- Met Sarah and Alex at KH. Had Luke make 'em strong and keep 'em comin' (I have much love for this man... as you all know). Asked Chris for a pair of scissors, who searched for five minutes (much love too). Made fun of exclamation point man!!!! Got hit on by creepy 50+ year-old guy... not a DILF, not Joe Biden (sad face).
- Dropped Sarah off at home and went back downtown for vengeance.
- Met up with Joe and the guys at Clarks. Had smoked gouda. Didn't get happy.
- Went to KH again... third time's a charm. Made fuck-me eyes with Chris - or "we're both drunk so let's stare creepily across the bar at eachother" eyes. The lights came on. The snow came down.
- Almost died driving home.
- Watched said "How I Met Your Mother" 'til passage-outage occurred.

It was a good night, aside from one thing, but whatever. It's fine. I'll put on my big girl panties and get over it. At least there were plenty of creepos to make fun of...

where do all the porn stars go when the lights go down?

Oh fuck me.

Last night consisted of:
- Being made fun of by one of KH's bartenders for ordering Kitty Cocktails
- Drinking too many of said cocktails
- Weird experimental jam bands
- Turning on "Volvo-Driving Soccer Mom" at a heavy metal bar
- Insisting on hard-boiled eggs and not pickled eggs
- Getting fuck-me eyes from a security guard at Daisy Dukes
- JONATHON DAVIS (or was it Adam Duritz?)
- Lots and lots of popcorn
- Winning Half Penny

I huuuuuuurt.

$10 says I do it all over again tonight....

girls just wanna have fun

Really all I have to say is Half Penny Pub... Friday nights... 80's Dance Party....

FUCK am I hungover. Thanks a lot vodka and red bull.

ALSO: My lip hurts and is swollen and, to quote myself, "I FEEL LIKE A STROKE VICTIM WITH A MELTY FACE." Still though... I had John Joyce in my mouth. I WIN.

jim croce cover bands?

I would just like to reiterate how much I love Kitty Hoynes. It's awesome to walk in and be recognized by the bouncer (and subsequently not carded). It's even better to be recognized and served insanely fast by the bartenders - who make me incredibly strong Drunken Shirley Temples without me even asking for one. SRSLY? Best bar ever.



Best bar ever also accounts for many of my best hangovers ever...

this is why i can't have nice things

Offtopic: I'm done with trying to be friends with people who don't try to be friends with me.

Ontopic: Drink of the weekend? DRUNKEN SHIRLEY TEMPLES.

(As in, "Hey can you make me a Shirley Temple with extra cherries and plz to be putting lots of vodka in it too?" Thank god the bartenders at Kitty Hoynes understand me and make delicious drinks even more delicious by filling half the cup with alcohol...)

when i get older i want a tattoo of all my best friends' names... yours is going HERE!

The drink of this weekend is MOAR SOBRIETY and I am lovin' it big time. I haven't been able to stomach the word "beer" let alone put my lips near it since last Friday's Kitty Hoynes/V4P adventure. This is the first time I've gone without alcohol voluntarily in a very, very long time (my 7-month deal with the devil was very much not voluntary...).

SO TELL ME WHY I FEEL LIKE I'M HUNGOVER TODAY!

Was it:
A) Sleeping for 11 hours.
B) The shitty excuse for "taco salad."
C) THE PREDATOR.

Oh hay, I think it was C.

Joe and I went to Darien Lake yesterday. It was a great time - we rode "The Ride of Steel" (Superman) four times and "Grizzley Run" three times (and got thoroughly soaked). The "Cirque Noveau" show was pretty awesome too (essentially a cheap rip-off of Cirque De Soleil, but ya'know, when in Rome...). But goddamn is that place just tired.

I guess Six Flags sold the theme park back to private owners a couple years ago - I've not been since the change in managerial staff - and you can certainly tell. The place needs some new paint, new attractions, and maybe some competent workers. The rides are beat up (I nearly had a stroke on the Predator, a wooden coaster... it HAD to be against some sort of roller coaster building code or something) and break down sporadically. THE GIRL MAKING MY TACO SALAD DIDN'T KNOW WHAT JALAPENOS ARE (when I said in exasperation "SPICY PEPPERS" I heard her say "Oh, I thought those were anchovies" - I KID YOU NOT).

It's clear that the owners don't really give much of a thought to the place anymore - sad, really, because you think about NY and Darien Lake is one of the only theme parks that come to mind. You've got Seabreeze in Rochester, Sylvan Beach (near Oneida), Enchanted Forest in Old Forge and Great Escape on Lake George (and my handy dandy google-fu also comes up with Santa's Workshop near Lake Placid). Seabreeze and Enchanted Forest are water parks, Sylvan Beach is a complete bust, Great Escape is a bit woodsy and Santa's Workshop caters towards the young, so you go to Darien Lake for rollercoasters... and none are that great except for Superman.

I'm finding it to be a problem, what with me getting older and all, that rides jostle me around more than I'd like. I don't know if it's that I NOTICE it more now or that the rides themselves are getting older and more rickity. Superman is exceptionally smooth-riding but I think I like it most because it doesn't have a shoulder-harness. Of course this means no upside-down, but it ALSO means no "Amanda smashing her ears against said harness because she's a shorty." I never will ride the Viper again... my poor ears are swollen today because it.

But the day was great regardless. We didn't have to pay for parking (yay for accidents at the front gate and getting lost in the back of the park?), I had a kickass kielbasa with sauerkraut, Joe had his Dippin' Dots and we have achy bones today for a good reason.

And tonight? Who knows what's up except that I'm playing DD.

i finally found a hairdresser that understands "DO NOT TOUCH THE SIDES"

So I've been really bad at updating for the past four days. Sadface. That's what happens when you're in EAST BUMFUCK (Raquette Lake) and have no internet connection (not to mention no phone reception or television to watch the damn Mets game). So here is a giant post o' doom...

THINGS THAT BOTHERED ME ABOUT THE WEEKEND:

1) It was god-damn camp. I am a city slicker (says my father). This, coupled with my horrible outdoor allergies made my 24-hour stay in the wildnerness incredibly unbearable. I did read a pretty damn good book called "Pandemic" by Daniel Kalla but I would love to reiterate my complete disdain for books only published in mass-market production (HATE HATE HATE).

2) Way to almost blow a game, Billy Wagner. Perez pitched 7 hitless innings and you just had to come in and fuck it all up and send the game into extra innings. I would like to thank Tatis for making things better and bringing the Mets to 44-44 (GOOD LUCK NUMBERS FOR TONIGHT!). Also, Ryan Church plz to not have anymore migranes D

3) God damn relatives. Could one of my aunts be any more hateful of me? Every single thing I say or do is shot down. I'm always wrong. Nope, apparently Smirnoff is delicious and won't make you sick. No, you have to get the Ganash cake because those are the best. Nope, you HAVE to go to breakfast before the Boilermaker because that's what all the Romans do. GUESS WHAT I AM NOT A ROMAN - AND I AM NOT ITALIAN AND NEITHER ARE YOU! Stop sticking your nose in my business and turning my other relatives into complete bitches too

4) WHERE IS MY MOTHERFUCKING STIMULUS CHECK?

5) Please do not beg me to come to a concert 2 hours out of my way because "you have no other trumpets" and then stick me on the end of the 8-foot tall stage when 8 of them show up. Also, please tell your subs to stop sucking so hard and come in when they should be playing. I can't even tell you how many times I played a "solo" in the pieces because NO ONE CAME IN ON TIME.

DRINK OF THE WEEKEND:

Sobriety, laced with a few sips of my mom's Coors Light (fuck you Coors mountains, you are terribly un-tasty).

DEBAUCHERY?

A whole lotta none.

WHAT HAVE I BEEN LISTENING TO?

The sound of crickets. And my obnoxious cousin rattling bags around at 7am. Oh, and lots and lots of Ben Folds.

I leave you with this... A picture of my father "riding" one of the furnaces he built. Damn, he needs a haircut...

hey scotty, what's it gonna be?

What makes Big Bad Voodoo Daddy concerts even more excellent?

1) Going with your boyfriend.
2) Bringing a cooler of whiskey and gin.
3) Sitting next to a group of 5 guys who also brought gin.
4) Crazy dancing lady.
5) Getting drunk while listening to "You and Me And the Bottle (Makes Three Tonight)."
6) All of the above.

ALL OF THE ABOVE DUH.

Truth be told, this wasn't BBVD's best concert... the Kid was having an off-night (made all too apparent by the fact that the lead player was SCHOOLING him in solos and he could only hit an E off the staff), my husband Scotty's foot was broken and they didn't play "Mambo Swing." But it WAS the best concert in general because of all aforementioned factors. I got pretty drunk off of two Jameson & 7s (Jameson and Seagrams 7 bottles look similar, I guess) and I was REALLY feeling good so I had to take a big step in Amanda-trust...

Joe drove my car home. And it was okay and nobody died (although we did think my car was blowing up at one point - note to self: do not leave aerosol perfume container where boy can press down unknowingly with his elbow. It sounds like said car is spontaneously combusting but smells delicious) and that was the first time I've let someone besides my dad and mom drive it. It was really some big cahones on my part and it felt surprisingly good.

ANYWAY. Drink of the weekend? Dedicated to my husband and his band (who have been together 15 years now - hot damn.)

GIN AND TONIC
Lots of Bombay Sapphire, a little bit of tonic, maybe a slice of lime... plenty of good times.

tequila makes my clothes fall off...

...but absinthe makes Pete's clothes stay on (in the shower, that is).

I guess Absinthe has been made legal in New York state for a few weeks now and the lovely Peter decided to buy a bottle of it. He drank roughly two shots of it last weekend and was fall-down, shit-grinnin' drunk. Claimed not to see any green fairies but asked the bartender at Kitty Hoynes if she would make him a "Wild Pony." When she said no, he bought us shots of "the cheapest whiskey you got."

There is still almost a full bottle of Absinthe sitting on Joe's counter and I don't think any of us are ready and/or willing to die any time soon... but the following recipe calls for a mere 8th of a teaspoon and I'm thinking that would do little harm (or I could be terribly, terribly wrong).

Absinthe Martini
2oz Gin (aka Pine Sol)
1/2oz Dry Vermouth
1/8tsp Absinthe

Serve over ice. (Supposedly tastes quite dandy with an onion-stuffed olive... no thanks).